“My message to President Obama” written by John Rezas.
Someone once tried to assassinate Theodore Roosevelt. But, he just laughed and proceeded to give a ninety-minute long speech with the bullet lodged in his lung, where it remained for the rest of his life. He tore up his leg muscles after accidentally being thrown into piranha-infested waters while exploring uncharted Brazil. Numerous times he broke his ribs from falling off horses while doing bad-ass jumps. He destroyed the sight in his left eye in a White House boxing match. He was also good with a sword. He killed a cougar in a knife fight (seriously). And, the only way death could finally get to him was in his sleep on January 6, 1919. Death had to take him sleeping. If Teddy Roosevelt had been awake, then there most assuredly would have been a fight. The United States could use another Teddy Roosevelt as our President. But, they say that there are no real men left in the world. The current leadership choices confirm this.
“What I want to know is how would Obama handle a three AM zombie apocalypse? The people need to know! How will he keep them at bay? Will he use the bat, the sawed-off, or the nail gun? Has he even chosen his anti-zombie bunker? I’d go with the Washington Monument. Sheer limestone walls, one entrance, and a steel staircase that is easy to electrify. Of course, the second choice would be the halls of Congress, because no one goes there looking for brains.” — Stephen Colbert