Someone once tried to assassinate Theodore Roosevelt. But, he just laughed and proceeded to give a ninety-minute long speech with the bullet lodged in his lung, where it remained for the rest of his life. He tore up his leg muscles after accidentally being thrown into piranha-infested waters while exploring uncharted Brazil. Numerous times he broke his ribs from falling off horses while doing bad-ass jumps. He destroyed the sight in his left eye in a White House boxing match. He was also good with a sword. He killed a cougar in a knife fight (seriously). And, the only way death could finally get to him was in his sleep on January 6, 1919. Death had to take him sleeping. If Teddy Roosevelt had been awake, then there most assuredly would have been a fight. The United States could use another Teddy Roosevelt as our President. But, they say that there are no real men left in the world. The current leadership choices confirm this.
I love the contradictions within people. Thomas Jefferson opposed the international slave trade that brought slaves into the US, and he criminalized it in 1807. And yet, he owned slaves until he died. His view went from opposition to (perhaps) self defense as he aged, while at the same time he still opposed new slave trade markets in the new US territories. I wonder how many of us could stand up to the scrutiny of our own contradictions? Politics and politicians thrive on contradictions, often called lies by voters, when candidates make promises that they never intended to keep once in office. “I’m a politician, which means that I’m a cheat and a liar. And, when I’m not kissing babies, I’m stealing their lollipops. But, it also means that I keep my options open.” — Jeffrey Pelt (Richard Jordan) from The Hunt For Red October (1990).
Carl Sagan had a few interesting contradictions in his writings as well. Carl Sagan: “For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.” But, Carl Sagan also said this: “Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But, without it we go nowhere.” Sagan does not want to commit to saying that God did or did not exist. Perhaps this line from one of my favorite songs sums up Sagan’s sentiment best: ”We are God, because only we can create the idea of His existence in our holy brains.” — from Domingo by Yello (Stella). But, Carl Sagan more likely believed that Man created God while smoking marijuana in a cave.
The SubGenius orbit around the world of contradictions. The Church of the SubGenius simultaneously deny the existence of God(s) while praising the pipe-smoking, smiling J.R. “Bob” Dobbs as their divine savior, following his philosophy as the living slack master and the world’s greatest salesman. “Bob” also has an excellent singing voice, with an invisible angelic choir of backup singers that sing “hallelujah” when you first meet him. As the sons and daughters of many Yeti, the SubGenius fight the conspiracy every day of their lives, while simultaneously smoking as much habafropzipulops and obtaining as much slack as they can possibly smoke and obtain in one mortal lifetime.
When a writer creates these contradictions in their characters, I find that I like that character more. Thomas Jefferson, Carl Sagan, and JR “Bob” Dobbs each represent certain complex character archetypes based on their various interesting contradictions. Whether real people or made up characters does not matter, people (more often then not) subconsciously like a man or woman with contradictions in their character. The antihero character archetype thrives on this fact. People like a good bad guy and a bad good guy. They like a good guy with bad qualities as well as a bad guy with good qualities just as much as they like the hero with a white hat and a villain with a black hat.
The “different” are silenced by a global conspiracy. Weird people arise! Find out who “They” are and how to SMASH “Them!” The US government is a sham! The real “powers that be” are not even people? They are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable things! Geeks, nerds, and freakazoids—rise up! Mutate now!
Resist all Conspiracy and Normal programming! Be different from them! Ignore or distort all fashion! Kill Them in the streets! Hunt Them down! Resist all conformity! Whisper rumors in the dead of night! Build fallout shelters and arm them! Cause the dead to walk! Invoke the Forgotten Ones! Search for the Elder Gods!
Watch the sky for UFOs! Sweet Fighting Jesus! Make the weird signs! Consort with strange characters! Snarl at people! Levitate! Contact alien space gods! Mate with monsters! Goof off! Stay up all night! Create life in your basement! Become the mad scientist of your dreams! Become an Overman! Program the computer god! Stare into the deep void!
As it is, you may be fooling yourself and others you care about with smug assumptions that all those things you see and hear around you every day are SOLID OBJECTS and that the world is run by people who give a fuck about the future. Or, that it’s run by real people at all. RIGHT! You might as well put yourself into the hands of a smiling, pipe-smoking bland faced “Bob” whose seductive promises of satisfying sex and great wealth seem suddenly IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE!
So what is it going to be, my dear friends? Are you satisfied with a conspiracy recommended daily allowance of slack? Or, like me, do you want a complete, unadulterated, drown in your pleasures orgy-of-slack, where you, and ONLY you, say when you’ve had enough? The choice is yours, my dear friends, for as J.R. “Bob” Dobbs so adroitly observed, “You can lead a man to slack, but you can’t make him drink it!”
Here endeth the word of Bob. Praise Bob! Amen.
Or, KILL ME!
Answer: I’m afraid if you fail to file your Census form, you will not be counted amongst the general public. Since you’re not counted, you don’t exist. FEMA Exterminators are usually sent within thirty days of lack of filing of the Census forms and unless you’re ready for Guantanamo listen carefully. This will take courage and initiative so be ready.
Thirty days is the minimum wait period, but since Obama’s been in office FEMA’s been busy—they won’t publicly say what but whatever the case may be, that will probably delay your FEMA Directive 84F Title 2 file from being filed for at least sixty days. What you need to do now is get $10,424.99 hard cash. I don’t care how, just get it.
Go to the nearest Post Office (avoid looking at cameras) and purchase the slowest possible A4 size envelope available. PAY IN CASH or you will be zeroed in on in seconds by your credit or ATM cards.
Get hold of a Census form and fill it out completely. Date it one month prior to the due date of the Census.
You are to go to the following businesses and purchase the following products: Starbucks; one Maraschino, two sugars: Walmart, one pack of cigarettes, one BIC lighter, one slice of Chocolate cake, Entamens if you can find it; one Spanish to English dictionary; one BIC pen; one Sharpie, red; one Russian to English Dictionary; lip gloss, any color; Crayola crayons, twelve pack; one black shirt; one black Spandex pants; one pink bunny slippers (don’t ask); Walgreen’s, Hydrogen Peroxide, 6% solution. PAY IN CASH ONLY.
Now you need to get mobile. If you still have your car keys with you DO NOT USE YOUR CAR and DO NOT go home. Place the keys in a stamped envelope and mail them to your house, that way when this is all over you can get back to normal.
Get a cab or take a bus to the nearest Internet Cafe. Use it to locate the nearest FEMA office. Make a note of it’s location on paper. DO NOT check your email, your IP address will be picked up instantly. Take out the envelope and the products you purchased earlier. Drink some of the Coffee, you’ll need the energy soon, and spill at least 100 ml. on the Census form. Don’t be too fancy. Next use the crayons, lip gloss, and a smudge of chocolate icing to roughen up the papers, make them look old. Use the Hydrogen Peroxide 6% solution to further blend the colors into damaged-looking paper.
Now use the Spanish-English dictionary to translate and transcribe words, this time with the pen, onto the Census. Write “Lost,” “Unidentified,” “misplaced,” and “American” on various parts of the census. Use the Russian-English Dictionary to translate and transcribe “American,” “lost mail,” “some idiot from FEMA sent us this crud, use cheapest mail service to return.” Write these with the Sharpie.
Go outside and have a smoke, it may be your last (if you don’t smoke you may never get the chance again). Use the lit cigarette to mark up the paper, but DO NOT LIGHT IT ON FIRE, or burn significant holes through it.
This next stage will be by far the most dangerous. You must plant this inside the FEMA office nearest you at midnight as the night watchmen are changing shifts. This will be the only time the cameras are not watched for a period of exactly two minutes and fifty-seven seconds.
Put on the black clothing and keep the bunny slippers at hand. Leave the cake slice near the entrance and wait for the guard to take the bait. Put the slippers on. When he bends over to pick it up, commence Kung-Fu fighting. Depending on your location, the guards’ skill levels will be from negligible to amateur, and even a grand master will be distracted by the tightness of the spandex and the gayness of the slippers. You should have no problem defeating him.
Take the keys and enter the facility. Kung-Fu any guards which stand in your way. Locate the guards room. This is not only where the cameras are, but there should be a few donuts lying around. Eat at least one, you will need the energy. Find the office of the local FEMA special forces extermination squad and get there. You will have only one minute and twenty-three seconds left before more guards, aware of your presence, arrive, this time with guns locked and loaded.
Get to the office. The commander should be there, working late. Be warned, to be in this office is to be a master of Kung Fu. You must, however, defeat him before you may proceed. Engage the officer with all your strength and fortitude, that of a Kung Fu Legend. If possible, avoid getting within arms reach of him for more than 3.26 seconds, or you will receive the Confucius Tittie Twister of Time, which is standard in FEMA Kung Fu training nowadays and is highly effective in sedating the opposition with blinding pain. Nevertheless, you must overcome with tenacious bravery and courage.
Once you have defeated this Kung Fu master, place the envelope with the census form in it on his desk. Write on the outside of the envelope a private message: “Relevant document to non-filer (your name) found, it was sent to Spain, Chile, and Russia in the New Orleans ice trucks by mistake.”
Place the census in the envelope, take off your slippers and swap them for the Kung Fu Master’s shoes, and leave. You have 18 seconds before the other guards arrive.
Go back to the security room, prop one of the guards up against the camera controls, and spill liquid (if there are no coffee or water dispensers, you will just have to make do with your own) all over the controls. This should fry the camera memory boards. Leave immediately.
Locate and acquire your chocolate cake slice on your way out.
Eat. Enjoy. In twenty-four hours time the FEMA Kung Fu fighting extermination team will be called off and the local commanding Kung Fu Master will know for sure that his duel with the Spandex and bunny slipper-wearing foe had to be some crazy dream. You’re free to go!
This short film provides an in-depth explanation of the education systems in the US and the UK. The filmmaker(s) adapted it from a talk given at the Royal Society for the Arts (RSA) by Sir Ken Robinson, the world-renowned education and creativity expert and a recipient of the RSA’s own Benjamin Franklin award. An incredible and amazing video!