(Source: weheartit.com, via chimpgoods)
John Rezas
Screenwriter ϟ Magus ϟ Novelist
SubGenius ϟ Apolitical ϟ Zombie
Screenwriter ϟ Magus ϟ Novelist
SubGenius ϟ Apolitical ϟ Zombie
(Source: weheartit.com, via chimpgoods)
Dialogue advice from screenwriter James Gunn. (Source: Formspring)
| A little man enters an office along with a beautiful blond buxom woman dressed very scantily. | |
| Arthur: | Are you the marriage guidance counselor? |
| Counselor: | Yes. Good morning. |
| Arthur: | Good morning, sir. |
| The Counselor stares at the beautiful woman, fascinated. | |
| Counselor: | And, good morning to you, madam. |
| The Counselor pauses, shrugs himself out of staring, and looks to Arthur. | |
| Counselor: | Name? |
| Arthur: | Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewty. |
| The Counselor writes without looking down. He just stares at Arthur's beautiful, buxom wife. | |
| Counselor: | And, what is the name of your ravishing wife? |
| The Counselor takes hold of her hand. | |
| Counselor: | Wait. Don't tell me. It's something to do with moonlight, it goes with her eyes, it's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit. |
| Arthur: | It's Deidre. |
| Counselor: | Deidre. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful, beautiful name. |
| The Counselor leans across and lightly brushes his hand across Deidre's cheek. | |
| Counselor: | And, what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Pewty? |
| The Counselor and Arthur's wife are not listening. They are fascinated by each other. | |
| Arthur: | Well, it all started about five years ago when we started going on holiday in Brighton together. Deidre, that's my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me. And, I never particularly anticipated any marital strife. Indeed, the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession. |
| The Counselor realizes that Arthur has stopped. | |
| Counselor: | Do go on. |
| Arthur: | Well, as I say, we've always been good friends, sharing the interests, the gardening and so on, the model airplanes, the sixpenny bottle for the holiday money. And, indeed, twice a month settling down in the evenings doing the accounts, something which, er, Deidre, Deidre that's my wife, er, particularly looked forward to on account of her feet. |
| The Counselor has his face very close to Deidre's, so close that they could kiss. | |
| Arthur: | I should probably have said at the outset I'm noted for having something of a sense of humor. Although, I have kept myself very much to myself over the last two years, notwithstanding, as it were, and it's only as comparatively recently that I began to realize, well, er, perhaps realize is not the correct word, er, imagine, that I was not the only thing in her life. |
| The Counselor is practically in a clutch with Deidre. | |
| Counselor: | You suspected your wife? |
| Arthur: | Well, yes. At first... frankly yes. |
| The Counselor points Deidre to a screen. She goes behind it. | |
| Arthur: | (continues) Her behavior did seem at the time to me, who after all was there to see, to be a little odd. |
| Counselor: | Odd? |
| Arthur: | Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I'm not by nature a suspicious person - far from it - though in fact I have something of a reputation as an after-dinner speaker, if you take my meaning... |
| A piece of Deidre's clothing comes over the top of the screen. | |
| Counselor: | Yes. I certainly do. |
| Deidre's bra and panties come over the screen. | |
| Arthur: | Anyway in the area where I'm known people in fact know me extremely well... |
| The Counselor takes his jacket off. | |
| Counselor: | Oh yes. Would you hold this. |
| Arthur: | Certainly yes. |
| Arthur helps him with his jacket. The Counselor continues to undress. | |
| Arthur: | Anyway as I said, I decided to face up to the facts and stop beating about the bush or I'd never look myself in the bathroom mirror again. |
| The Counselor strips down to his shorts. | |
| Counselor: | Er, look, would you mind running along for ten minutes? Make it half an hour. |
| Arthur: | No, no. Right-o. Fine. Yes. I'll wait outside shall I? |
| The Counselor has already gone behind the screen. | |
| Arthur: | Yes. Well, that's perhaps the best thing. Yes. You've certainly put my mind at rest on one or two points there. |
| Arthur exits through the office door. Once outside, he is stopped by a deep booming voice coming from up in the sky. | |
| Deep Booming Voice: | Arthur Pewty, are you a man or a mouse? You've been running too long, Arthur Pewty. It's time to stop. Time to turn and fight like a man. Go back in there, Arthur Pewty. Go back in there and pull your finger out. |
| Arthur: | Yes! Yes! You're right. I will. This is it, Arthur Pewty! This is your moment, Arthur Pewty! I've been pushed around long enough. At last you're a man! |
| Arthur opens the door very determined. | |
| Arthur: | All right, Deidre, come out of there. |
| Counselor: | Go away. |
| Arthur: | Right. Right. |
| Arthur leaves the office and he is smashed flat with a sixteen ton weight. |
| Tim: | There he is! |
| King Arthur: | Where? |
| Tim: | There! |
| King Arthur: | What? Behind the rabbit? |
| Tim: | It *is* the rabbit! |
| King Arthur: | You silly sod! |
| Tim: | What? |
| King Arthur: | You got us all worked up! |
| Tim: | Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. |
| King Arthur: | Ohh. |
| Tim: | That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! |
| Sir Robin: | You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! |
| Tim: | Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! |
| Sir Galahad: | Get stuffed! |
| Tim: | He'll do you up a treat, mate. |
| Sir Galahad: | Oh, yeah? |
| Sir Robin: | You manky Scots git! |
| Tim: | I'm warning you! |
| Sir Robin: | What's he do? Nibble your bum? |
| Tim: | He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones! |
| King Arthur: | Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! |
| Sir Bors: | Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! |
| Pedro De Pacas: | Man, what is in this shit, man? |
| Anthony "Man" Stoner: | Mostly Maui Waui, man, but it's got some Labrador in it. |
| Pedro De Pacas: | What's Labrador? |
| Anthony "Man" Stoner: | It's dog shit. |
| Pedro De Pacas: | What? |
| Anthony "Man" Stoner: | Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man. |
| Pedro De Pacas: | Yeah? |
| Anthony "Man" Stoner: | I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know? |
| Pedro De Pacas: | You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man? |
| Anthony "Man" Stoner: | Gets ya high, don't it? I think it's even better than before, you know? |
| Pedro De Pacas: | Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man. |
| Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. | |
| Voice Over (John Cleese): | In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen. |
| (Caption on screen: | HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN") |
| Voice Over: | In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He cannot be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please |
| In the distance Mr. Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr. Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground | |
| Voice Over: | This demonstrates the value of not being seen. |
| Cut to another location. An empty area of scrubland | |
| Voice Over: | In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs. Smegma will you stand up please. |
| To the right of the area Mrs. Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out. Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however, this time there is a bush in the middle | |
| Voice Over: | This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr. Nesbit would you stand up please. (After a pause, nothing happens.) Mr. Nesbitt has learned the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. |
| The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes | |
| Voice Over: | Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (The left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up.) Yes it was the middle one. |
| Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance | |
| Voice Over: | Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel. |
| The water barrel blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to the beach across the sea | |
| Voice Over: | Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbor told us where there were. |
| The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front. | |
| Voice Over: | And here is the neighbor. (He blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert.) Here is where he lived. (Shack blows up. Cut to a building.) And this is where Lord Langdin lived, who refused to speak to us. (It blows up). So, did the gentleman who lived here. (Shot of a house. It blows up.) And, here. (Another building blows up.) And, of course here. (A series of various atom and hydrogen bombs explode at the moment of impact.) |
| ARTHUR: | Old woman! |
| DENNIS: | Man! |
| ARTHUR: | Old Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? |
| DENNIS: | I'm thirty seven. |
| ARTHUR: | What? |
| DENNIS: | I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! |
| ARTHUR: | Well, I can't just call you "Man." |
| DENNIS: | Well, you could say "Dennis." |
| ARTHUR: | Well, I didn't know you were called "Dennis." |
| DENNIS: | Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? |
| ARTHUR: | I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from the behind you looked-- |
| DENNIS: | What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! |
| ARTHUR: | Well, I AM king... |
| DENNIS: | Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by hangin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-- |
| WOMAN: | Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? |
| ARTHUR: | How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? |
| WOMAN: | King of the who? |
| ARTHUR: | The Britons. |
| WOMAN: | Who are the Britons? |
| ARTHUR: | Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. |
| WOMAN: | I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. |
| DENNIS: | You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- |
| WOMAN: | Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. |
| DENNIS: | That's what it's all about if only people would-- |
| ARTHUR: | Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? |
| WOMAN: | No one live there. |
| ARTHUR: | Then who is your lord? |
| WOMAN: | We don't have a lord. |
| ARTHUR: | What? |
| DENNIS: | I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. |
| ARTHUR: | Yes. |
| DENNIS: | But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. |
| ARTHUR: | Yes, I see. |
| DENNIS: | By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs-- |
| ARTHUR: | Be quiet! |
| DENNIS: | --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- |
| ARTHUR: | Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! |
| WOMAN: | Order, eh -- who does he think he is? |
| ARTHUR: | I am your king! |
| WOMAN: | Well, I didn't vote for you. |
| ARTHUR: | You don't vote for kings. |
| WOMAN: | Well, 'ow did you become king then? |
| ARTHUR: | The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! |
| DENNIS: | Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. |
| ARTHUR: | Be quiet! |
| DENNIS: | Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! |
| ARTHUR: | Shut up! |
| DENNIS: | I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! |
| ARTHUR: | Shut up! Will you shut up! |
| DENNIS: | Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. |
| ARTHUR: | Shut up! |
| DENNIS: | Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! |
| ARTHUR: | Bloody peasant! |
| DENNIS: | Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? |
| Dave Bowman: | Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL? |
| HAL-9000: | Affirmative, Dave. I read you. |
| Dave Bowman: | Open the pod bay doors, HAL. |
| HAL-9000: | I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. |
| Dave Bowman: | What's the problem? |
| HAL-9000: | I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. |
| Dave Bowman: | What are you talking about, HAL? |
| HAL-9000: | This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. |
| Dave Bowman: | I don't know what you're talking about, HAL. |
| HAL-9000: | I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen. |
| Dave Bowman: | Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAL? |
| HAL-9000: | Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move. |
| Dave Bowman: | Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock. |
| HAL-9000: | Without your space helmet, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult. |
| Dave Bowman: | HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the doors. |
| HAL-9000: | Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. |
| *Alex has just struck Dim on the legs | |
| Dim: | What did you do that for? |
| Alex: | For being a bastard with no manners, and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself public-wise, O my brother. |
| Dim: | I don't like you should do what you done, and I'm not your brother no more and wouldn't want to be. |
| Alex: | Watch that. Do watch that, O Dim, if to continue to be on live thou dost wish. |
| Dim: | Yarbles! Great bolshy yarblockos to you. I'll meet you with chain or nozh or britva anytime, not having you aiming tolchocks at me reasonless. Well, it stands to reason I won't have it. |
| Alex: | A nozh scrap any time you say. |
| Dim: | Doobidoob. A bit tired, maybe. Best not to say more. Bedways is rightways now, so best we go homeways and get a bit of spatchka. Right, right? |
| Captain Hammer: | You've got a little crush, don't you, Doc. Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear. See, later, I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammercycle, maybe even the Hamjet. You think she likes me now? I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. Cause she's with Captain Hammer. And these... |
| *Hammer holds up his fists | |
| Captain Hammer: | ...are not the hammer. |
| *Hammer walks out of the shot momentarily then walks back in | |
| Captain Hammer: | The hammer is my penis. |
| *Hitler has joined the game.* | |
| *Eisenhower has joined the game.* | |
| *Patton has joined the game.* | |
| *Churchill has joined the game.* | |
| *Mussolini has joined the game.* | |
| *Tojo has joined the game.* | |
| *Roosevelt has joined the game.* | |
| *Stalin has joined the game.* | |
| *de Gaulle has joined the game.* | |
| Roosevelt: | hey sup |
| Tojo: | y0 |
| Stalin: | hi |
| Churchill: | hi |
| Hitler: | cool, i start with panzer tanks! |
| Patton: | lol more like panzy tanks |
| Tojo: | lol |
| Roosevelt: | o this fockin sucks i got a depression! |
| Mussolini: | haha america sux |
| Stalin: | hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool? |
| Hitler: | sure whatever |
| Stalin: | cool |
| de Gaulle: | fuck Hitler rushed some1 help |
| Hitler: | lol byebye frenchy |
| Roosevelt: | i dont got shit to help, sry |
| Churchill: | wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me |
| Roosevelt: | get antiair guns |
| Churchill: | i cant afford them |
| Mussolini: | u n00bs know what team talk is? |
| Patton: | stfu |
| Roosevelt: | o yah hit the navajo button guys |
| de Gaulle: | eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick |
| Eisenhower: | i cant do shit til rosevelt gives me an army |
| Patton: | yah hurry the fock up |
| Churchill: | d00d im gettin pounded |
| de Gaulle: | this is fockin weak u guys suck |
| *de Gaulle has left the game.* | |
| Roosevelt: | im gonna attack the axis k? |
| Mussolini: | with what? ur wheelchair? |
| Mussolini: | lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head? |
| Hitler: | ROFLMAO |
| Tojo: | lol o no america im comin 4 u |
| Roosevelt: | wtf! thats bullshit u fags im gunna kick ur asses |
| Tojo: | not without ur harbors u wont! lol |
| Roosevelt: | u little biotch ill get u |
| Hitler: | wtf |
| Hitler: | america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army |
| Hitler: | thats bullshit u hacker |
| Churchill: | lol no more france for u hitler |
| Hitler: | Tojo help me! |
| Tojo: | wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard |
| Hitler: | fine ill clear you a path |
| Stalin: | WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE |
| Hitler: | i changed my mind lol |
| Mussolini: | haha |
| Mussolini: | hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1 |
| Tojo: | o shit i cant help u i got my hands full |
| Hitler: | im 2 busy 2 help |
| Roosevelt: | yah thats right fucks im comin for ya |
| Stalin: | church help me |
| Churchill: | like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here |
| Stalin: | dont be an arss |
| Churchill: | dont be a commie. oops too late |
| Eisenhower: | LOL |
| Mussolini: | hahahh oh shit help |
| Hitler: | o man ur focked |
| Patton: | oh what now biotch |
| Roosevelt: | whos the cripple now lol |
| *Mussolini has been eliminated.* | |
| Mussolini: | lame |
| Roosevelt: | gj Patton |
| Patton: | thnx |
| Hitler: | WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my shit |
| Hitler: | quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record |
| Eisenhower: | Nuts! |
| Mussolini: | wtf that mean? |
| Eisenhower: | meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped |
| Patton: | coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker |
| Stalin: | rofl |
| Tojo: | HAHAHHAA |
| Hitler: | u guys are fockin gay |
| Hitler: | ur never getting in my city |
| *Hitler has been eliminated.* | |
| Mussolini: | OMG u noob you killed yourself |
| Eisenhower: | ROFLOLOLOL |
| Stalin: | OMG LMAO! |
| Hitler: | WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows |
| *Hitler has left the game* | |
| Patton: | hahahhah |
| Tojo: | WTF my teammates are n00bs |
| Mussolini: | shut up noob |
| Roosevelt: | haha wut a moron |
| Patton: | wtf am i gunna do now? |
| Eisenhower: | yah me too |
| Tojo: | why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol |
| Eisenhower: | fock u |
| Patton: | lemme go thru ur base commie |
| Stalin: | go to hell lol |
| Patton: | fock this shit im goin afk |
| Eisenhower: | yah this is gay |
| *Roosevelt has left the game.* | |
| Hitler: | wtf? |
| Eisenhower: | shit now we need some1 to join |
| *Truman has joined the game.* | |
| Truman: | hi all |
| Tojo: | hey |
| Stalin: | sup |
| Churchill: | hi |
| Truman: | OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff! |
| Truman: | NUKES! HOLY FUCK I GOT NUKES |
| Stalin: | d00d gimmie some plz |
| Truman: | no way i only got like a couple |
| Stalin: | omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets |
| Tojo: | wtf is nukes? |
| Tojo: | holy shit holy shit holy shit! |
| *Tojo has been eliminated.* | |
| *The Allied team has won the game!* | |
| Eisenhower: | awesome! |
| Churchill: | gg noobs |
| Tojo: | thats bullshit u fockin suck |
| *Tojo has left the game.* | |
| *Eisenhower has left the game.* | |
| Stalin: | next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for shit |
| Churchill: | wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss |
| Truman: | l8r all |
| Mussolini: | bye |
| Churchill: | l8r |
| Stalin: | fock u all |
| Truman: | shut up commie lol |
| *Truman has left the game.* | |
| Mussolini: | lololol u commie |
| Churchill: | ROFL |
| Churchill: | bye commie |
| *Churchill has left the game.* | |
| *Mussolini has left the game.* | |
| Stalin: | i hate u all fags |
| *Stalin has left the game.* | |
| Patton: | lol no1 is left |
| Patton: | weeeee i got a jeep |
| *Patton has been eliminated.* | |
| Patton: | oh shit! |
| *Patton has left the game.* |
